Sympathy is taking away from someone's suffering, trying to
put a silver lining in it. Whereas empathy is connecting to the persons
suffering which forms a comforting bond. There is unique video that describes this http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw. In effort
to show more empathy with you, my readers I want you to know my story
I can’t even really describe to you when I noticed that
something wasn’t quite right with Ally.
But I do know that it was at a very young age right around 10 months she
still wasn’t meeting all the milestones you would typically see. She had a
really hard time being separated from me, almost to the point of hysterical
anxiety. She didn’t really crawl but
would butt drag across the floor. Ali would have meltdowns if she wore certain
types of clothes and always tended to run hot even in the dead of winter. By
time she was 18 months she still wasn’t talking. Early intervention didn’t
really help, they just said she was delayed by 6 months and needed speech
therapy. But a mother knows and my heart sank because no one would address my
other worries.
By the time she was 3 she started showing what I believe to
be typical signs of bipolar disorder.
She would have rages if we said no to her. If we set limits she would
bite me or hit me. She would have wonky
sleep cycles. Some days she would go to bed at 6pm and sleep til 11am. Other
times she would stay up til 11 pm and wake up at 4am. But the scariest mom moment was when I would
catch her doing some scary things that I thought were a call for help but the
Dr just thought it was kid stuff. She
would frequently put plastic bags over her head. Or I would catch her with
belts pulled so tightly that I wondered how she was still able to breathe. This
frankly scared the shit out of me but the Doctors were unfazed.
Once she started preschool the child psychologist she did
she that Ally had behavioral issues. She saw that Ally was a bully. That she
would use her powers of manipulation to get what she wanted from the other kids
and from the regular teachers. This is when they moved her to special
education. Meanwhile I’m still here saying she needs mental help and services
and I am still met with she is just developmentally delayed and at the most she
may have ADHD.
Even in the special education room she continues to struggle
and to have issues. The meltdowns get worse. I get phone calls everyday about
her behaviors and her meltdowns. She
becomes a flight risks and runs out of the room when it becomes overwhelming. I
can’t even describe to you the feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach
each time the phone rings. The churning and burning, the sinking feeling that
your tethering on a cliff and there is no one there to throw you a life line. To be talking to anyone that will listen and
then no one does anything to help. It quite exhausting and demoralizing. I
spent many nights crying, wondering and hoping things would get better. But
they never did they only got worse.
Being a military family and moving every 3 years brings
about an extreme about of stress. And that stress of an overseas move broke my
daughter. Second grade is now known as the year of hell. Where shit really did
hit the fan. She produced nuclear meltdowns, multiple tantrums where she threw
chairs at students and cussed out teachers. She even left school and made it
half way home before they caught up to her. They had the nerve to tell me it
was still ADHD and we need to try medications. Even though I kept saying NO
it’s something else.
Needless to say I gave it a shot. We tried our first ADHD
medication and the DR suggested a non-stimulant route, we made it 2 weeks
before I got the call that Ally was with the principle and I needed to pick her
up immediately. She was out of control; bull in a china shop mad and nothing
would calm her down. Her psychiatrist had an emergency consult and say we
should try a stimulant. Again even though I knew that wasn’t what she needed, I
agree. I placed my trust in him blindly and for that I am sorry. Ali got worse. Her mood disorder came out
full swing.
That’s what sent her into her first bipolar spiral. She
became the irritable, angry emotional mess. She started not sleeping. Screaming
that she hated school and me, that I was the worse mother ever. She became the tasmanian devil and she broke
whatever she wanted. She ruled our family life. We became hermits and never
went anywhere because we never knew how Ally would react. Finally after living in
hell the Doctor saw the light and diagnosed her with Mood Disorder NOS. She was
started on Abilify and slowly started to get better. Ally was never easy but she was manageable.
Then 3rd grade started and school got to be hard
again. She started growing. We had to keep upping her dose and soon Abilify
stopped working. And her second bipolar spiral appeared. Ali was back to not sleeping,
waking up at 4am and roaming the house. She would become hyper focused on
certain things like birds and coconuts and wouldn’t want to do anything else
unless it revolved around this. It got
to the point where she would run out at 4am to go hunting for coconuts or
trying to trap birds. God forbid we said no, instant rage. But with that came a
new scary phenomenon wanting to DIE. The
Dr didn’t seem overly concerned said it was probably medication related and switched
her to Risperdal. Even with the new medication it seemed to no impact on her at
all.
In fact she got worse. Her moods became so unstable that she
would cycle multiple times a day. Super tired and irritable when she woke up,
happy for breakfast, then on the walk to school back to angry and already
taking about how she was going to throw fits so she wouldn’t have to work. She
started hitting her brother. Calling him stupid. More talks about how she
wanted to Die and even contemplated jumping off a parking structure.
That was my breaking point I had enough. I told her Dr that
if he didn’t do something my daughter was going to have to be hospitalized. I
just couldn’t do it anymore. We weren’t sleeping or eating. Ally wasn’t living, she was just existing. I wanted her to get better. I wanted a mood stabilizer
for her, so she could be happy instead of this emotional monster. And he finally said YES. She was started on
Lithium about 3 weeks ago.
Being on Lithium as a young child isn’t always the right
choice for everyone but for us was the best choice. Ally wasn’t able to comprehend why she needed
to get her blood levels checked every week. But she is able to say that she is
feeling better. I see glimpse of the old her ever now and then. I only hope as
her levels stabilize so will her rages, anger and irritability. Her moods for
the most part aren’t cycling as drastically as they were. And I finally feel
like I can take a breath. This last 3 months have been so difficult that I
admit social retreat. I am no longer the happy go lucky free spirited mother I
used to be. I am the one on guard that battles back the dragon of the disease
that threatens to control my daughter and our lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment